Do you ever feel lost? Do you ever wonder where your ‘home’ truly is? I do hope someone out there is like me. I don’t feel lost at sea in huge waves thrashing me constantly, more a sense of floating around from harbour to harbour with little direction. Maybe I’ve simply dropped the compass?
My young family and I moved to Australia about two years ago. To be brutally honest, I never felt ‘comfortable’ in Scotland. I always felt like there was a big world out there and I desperately wanted to grab a piece of the action. I was keen to experience another life. I guess that is the driving force in many young people’s restless minds.
I am still unsure if I will ever feel ‘at home’ in Australia or anywhere in this planet Earth? Maybe I am destined to a be free soul with no roots? A nomad to the core? Maybe I need to feel a little more content in my own body and mind before I will feel more content where ever I settle geographically? Perhaps this is what is key to personal contentment. Maybe all these self-help books have a point after all?
The troubling thing about being an expatriate is the lack of deep connections. Sure I make many connections, some are very meaningful but many can be transitional. The problem with me is I desire these connections and certainly need them in my life but it can be difficult to maintain when your heart and mind are unsettled. Some people are quite pleased with superficial and surface relationships but there is a part of me that loves to really know a person and I love it when a person really ‘gets’ me. To break down our barriers and be ‘real’ is something I always seek but that is just me!
Lately we waved good-bye to very dear friends. They moved back to Scotland. It was heartbreaking and hard to let go. Just two years ago we had left our families and best friends in Scotland. It hits hard. Surely all these sad good byes to special people can’t be good for the soul? Part of you has to disconnect from the people you leave behind or when they leave you just to survive the self-imposed sorrow and the resulting guilt. It is certainly testing.
My main concern is ensuring our kids have somewhere to call home. For all my hippy idealism’s I have to admit I want my children and grandchildren to have a place that whispers their history and is bursting full of delightful child hood memories. Don’t we all desire this? I can only hope that in the future my itchy feet will itch less. I can hope that I will be content to stay put and live in the present.
It is no doubt an age thing. I am approaching thirty. I am thinking about how far I have come and what the future holds. I am aware of my own mortality. I want to squeeze lots of experiences into my life. To have this insight is liberating.
A lot has changed in just two years since moving to Australia. Time waits for no man or woman for that matter! It races on and on. I don’t need to rush though. I can take my time, reflect and consider what path to take. I’m grateful for all the choices I have in life, I just wish I didn’t feel so lost some days! But it’s OK. I am human. We are not all perfect with perfect solutions. We all have our moments of self-doubt. We all have our moments of self-reflection. And we all have our moments of discontent. That’s just life. The feelings of being lost at sea will hopefully in time subside once I catch a glimpse of dry land.