I believe in enjoying the present and embracing every given day but right now I have my head stuck in the future. The reason? We have some major choices to make. The path we decide to go down will forever alter my future, my husbands and my children’s.
The biggest decision we have to make is whether or not we should remain in Australia or return to Scotland. It’s not a bad position to be in. It is a fortunate and a ‘middle class’ infliction to be swamped by positive choices in life. We realise our luck and feel grateful, but to be honest a lot of our luck has been self-made. We have asked the right questions, knocked on the right doors and had the courage to follow our own dreams. The adventure, the rush, the high of feeling we are alive and grasping hold of an opportunity was intoxicating to our young minds.
We said we would give it four years. We would dive head first into Australian culture and hopefully make some beautiful friends. We have succeeded in our initial goals. We have a real understanding of Australian culture, we embrace it, study it and question it. We have met some life changing people. Our life is blessed and enhanced by our experiences. The Australian people are a wonderful breed of people. I don’t think we could meet a more compassionate, charitable, friendly bunch in the world.
However, there is a part of me that is paralysed with fear. I have an inability to move forward. I can’t hear my own instinct. At the moment I am consumed with thoughts such as, ‘What if we make the wrong decisions and regret it?’ We realise just how big an impact our decision will have on our life. The consequences of our choices now will accumulate and could ultimately change our entire life. The uncertainty of life can be alarming but that is life. It is uncertain.
The trouble with living at the other side of the world? If a close family member becomes seriously ill you have a problem. I am an only child. I am 100% responsible for my parents care in the future. Thankfully they are very young and healthy at the moment but I of course know that people grow old and things change. What about when a best friend is in trouble? The helplessness can be unbearable.
Another problem we foresee is regarding feeling trapped. A feeling that some people will not understand but for the adventurous and people prone to ‘itchy feet’ it is a real concern. Our children would grow up in Australia, possibly marry Australian women and have Australian babies. But what if we want to live somewhere else for a while? What if we want to experience another culture? Show me a Grandmother who can leave her Grandkids through choice. Unlikely! I worry we would resent our decision to stay. I worry we would limit our options. But maybe Australia is worth the losses we will give up to stay here? There are a huge number of expatiates who at 50 to 60 years old now regretting their choice to stay. They believe they are utterly trapped and unable to ever return home. The choice they once had is now over. That shipped has sailed. Their family is now here in Australia.
It’s important to state that these people are not wishing to return home because they miss fish & chips or the grey skies of Northern Europe. They feel the pull of the land. It is a deep-rooted desire to belong. I believe a lot of the pull is linked to wishing to die in your home country. To be at one with the Scottish soil once again. We are a proud nation, there is little doubt about that. I do ponder if I will feel this way as I move through my life. Or if I will be satisfied to call Australia my home.
Maybe it would be easier if we just ignore the future? Maybe we should just forget about it. Keep living day by day. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want my life to pass me by. I want to ensure we live the best life possible. I want to ensure my children have opportunities and a fantastic life wherever that may be. Perhaps we will always be forever lost and unable to call anywhere home? I hope not, I do want our children to have roots. A place to call home.
The experience of living here has been mind-blowing. We have discovered we can follow our dreams and make a success of them. It feels wonderful. My concern now? We have just one life. One chance at this game of life and then it will be over. I hope we choose the right path for us all as a family. The choice we make in 2 years time will impact upon us all. Maybe the answers will become obvious and present themselves to me. I do hope so. Do you have any huge decisions to make in your life? How did you manage to make up your mind? Have you ever been afraid to make a life altering decision? How did you cope with the crippling responsibility of ‘getting it right?’